I don't really know why I'm updating this thing. Probably for the lack of human conversation I receive here.

I have a bunch more novel covers to upload, but I am incredibly lazy. I will probably upload them at some later point in history. I also have a small store of creative juices which will probably be wasted on creating a new roleplay site as opposed to writing a novel (which I SHOULD be doing!)

Over the past few years I have written less and less. My thoughts do not come in words anymore, but in pictures that I can't seem to explain. Thank the gods for graphic programs and my camera or I would probably be a lost cause because I can't draw worth crap.

So, I'm kind of hoping that writing is like riding a bike. Maybe once I practice more and get back on I'll get the hang of it again.

Unless it's like a brain and being smart (use it or lose it). In that case, I must have an IQ of about 4.

I'm going to continue eating and playing god with my sims now.

Allocate your sentiment and stick it in a box.

Today is my 18th birthday.
Happy birthday, me.

*Ville Valo is the lead singer of HIM, my favourite band.

I'm honestly still trying not to fall over from giddyness, I know it's horrible of me. But OMFG JONNA AND VILLE BROKE UPPPPPPPP. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA. SINGLE. MUAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.
So THAT'S why Venus Doom is so fucking depressing and delicious. Because they broke up! WOOHOO! *Hyperventilates*

Okay, now I must calm down enough to post what I was thinking about.

I have decided, after much soul searching and deliberation, to be happy. But how can one just decide to be happy?, you may ask. Well, it's quite simple really. I'm just going to stop looking for an excuse to be sad. Being depressed and sad all the time isn't attractive in a woman. It's not charming to never smile, to only have sad things to say, and to never be able to laugh at yourself unless you're being bitter. Being depressed does a lot of things to you. It makes you gain/lose weight, it messes up your complexion, and it just generally makes you look like you've been hit by a truck. Not only that though, it holds you back from doing the things you really want to do in life.

I think if I were to concentrate on being happy, maybe, oh, I don't know, maybe then I'd really be happy?
It may sound awfully silly but what got me to thinking about this, and actually inspired to do this was two things:

First, I talked to a very charming French guy who explained to me that women are dazzling creatures who should never have a day of unhappiness in their lives. He said to me, "You don't want to destroy an angel, you want to become one."

Secondly, (this is even better xD) I was watching HIM videos and interviews of Ville and reading about him and stuff, and I noticed, this guy always seems so happy. He's able to laugh at himself. He's supposed to be the Prince of Darkness, but what makes him so goddamn charismatic is his addicting smile, laugh, and overall happy presence. You never see Ville looking or acting as though he's depressed. Yet he still somehow manages to be himself, and to be dark and sexy.

So really, I think that being happy, and being 'dark', and being 'myself' is quite an attainable position to be in. I have realized that lately, I am depressed because I have no reason to be depressed. That, ladies and gentleman, is a dangerous, self pitying way to think. I have been sad my entire life. I have never had an excuse to be happy before now. Now that I am allowed to do so, I can't seem to become used to the prospect. It's as though some horrible boyfriend who I hated ALOT has finally let me break up with him, but left me with an empty space. To fill that void, I'm looking for every excuse imaginable to call him, or email him, or just talk to him. The space must be filled. The old pair of jeans was so comfortable, why buy new ones?

It will take some work, this I'm sure of. Lots of personal brainwashing. Lots of waking up in the morning and not wanting to stay in bed because life fucking sucks.

Because right now, life isn't so bad. I would be lying if I said I didn't have my problems. But those are just little things, and they can be worked through.

Eep, see? Now that I think about turning off the computer and going upstairs to bed, I have a knot of dread in the pit of my stomach. Because suddenly everything seems so empty again.

Be happy, Shadia. Be happy.

I am clumsy, and numb. My words are jumbled and slurred. I can't remember who I was or why I'm here anymore. I know I love some people, but at the same time I also hate them. I know that I feel so lonely, but I am also so crowded. There is a graveyard down the road, and there is a pond across the busy street, with a dock leading out onto the water. I want to walk onto that dock and stare out into the fog.
"Do you love me?" asks Moody.
"No. Get away from me," I snap.
"I love you, Shadia," says Dad.
"I love you," I reply.
Life is like one of those kiddie rollarcoasters at the fair, in the shape of a dragon. It starts out with sharp twists and turns, and I hold onto the bar over my legs, my knuckles turning white from the pressure. "Let me out..." I gasp. "Please, I'm going to fall!" The people in front of me look back with concern, and assure me that I will be alright. Then the dragon slowly starts to climb to the top, with sharp, juttering movements. My heart in my chest feels like it's about to explode; I want to faint from all this nervousness and anxiety. Slower, and slower. It's at the top now and you can see the whole fair, splayed out below me. Oh God. Here comes the worst part. It lurches forward violently, speeding down the track. I feel as though the very blood of my body is being thrown up in the air. I can't hold on to anything. I can't handle this. I can't.
But it's over so fast. Before I even have time to scream. The longest and shortest ride ever.
I'm at the top of the rollarcoaster now, holding onto the bars so tightly my knuckles are white.
This is life. A mess of plastic, artificial colours splayed onto a conveyor belt. Red, yellow, black, blue, green. None of it is real. I want so badly for it to be real. But it's going so fast that it isn't.
And the rollarcoaster is getting ready to fly down the track, carrying me to the end.